Ready or Not...

Hard to believe that I am almost halfway through graduate school.  In three weeks, I will have completed 36 units of my coursework putting me over halfway.  I am currently in law and ethics and group skills.  July and August we actually have off so I won’t have any classes.  However, practicum has started which should keep me somewhat busy during those months. 

So back to the whole ready or not…you’re probably wondering what I am referred to here so let me tell you.  Ready or Not…practicum is here and I am now working with clients.  Now this is scary.  9 months of graduate school and they are letting me work with clients?  Crazy!  I do not feel prepared for this next step.  I feel like everything so far has been leading up to this point and now that it’s here, it’s scary.  So often in life, things look good until you actually have to take that step and do it.  While I am incredibly passionate about this field, things are brought to a whole new level now that I will be the one (“the expert”) who will counsel others.  I’ve been doing a lot of thinking over the past couple weeks since I started training for practicum and these are some of my thoughts:

                How am I going to know what to say or what to do?

                How can I help someone through something I know nothing about?

                What if I make a mistake?

                How can I help others when I don’t feel like I have my life perfectly together?

                What if the clients don’t like me?

                How will I handle my first suicidal client?

I could go on and on as there have been so many thoughts like this popping into my head recently.  The reality is that I’m afraid.  I do not know what is going to happen, yet I like to be in control.  As a future therapist, I do not know what a client may say in session which causes a sense of uneasiness in me.  I cannot be fully prepared (if you know me, you know that I strive to be prepared for anything and everything that may happen...like when my youth group experienced a tornado while camping in the middle of the night, my first instinct was to put all my clothes and sleeping bag in the dry bag so nothing would get ruined...most everything was soaked, but not my stuff), but I have to trust that my schooling, experience, and God’s guidance will help me as I start counseling clients.  It’s scary.  I don’t feel ready.  I’m sure I’ll make mistakes.  And I can only do so much for these clients.  You can’t make people change so I need to let go of that expectation.  People have got to want to change.  As a therapist, you can only take them so far. 

I’m currently teaching two classes at practicum and will start seeing individual clients in July once my summer classes are over.  I wanted to ease myself into practicum so I could get used to things before diving in.  Thankfully I won’t have any classes during my first few months so I can focus fully on my new role as an MFT Trainee (marriage and family therapist trainee).  Prayers appreciated as I take this huge step of finally putting into practice what I’ve been learning so far in graduate school. 

   

How Are You...Why I Believe Fine is Not a Good Answer

Well…I kind of lost my motivation to write on here as I’m pretty sure my Mom is the only person who reads this.  So this is for you Mom :) And Happy Mother’s Day!  However, looking back over my previous blogs, I love having something that I can reflect back on to remember all that has happened during that season of my life.  At some point, I am planning to get my previous blog printed in book format and I like that idea so much that I am now motivated to attempt (this is the key word) to write on here more often.  

Updates since my last post:

~I finished my second semester of graduate school last week and have started my summer session.  I am in two classes right now for eight weeks.  In July and August, I will have no classes, just practicum. 

~I start training for my practicum in two and a half weeks.  I will be working with the homeless population at San Diego Rescue Mission.  I will be seeing individual clients (children and adults), families, couples, and leading a few groups.

~I went to visit friends and family in Illinois over Easter break.  I had a wonderful time catching up with people who I love dearly and have known for many years.  I saw my niece (who is almost 11 months) and has already started walking.  I love this girl!  

The question I’ve gotten so many times over this past year is, “How is school going?”  To be honest my usual answer is busy.  Sure I have a lot of reading and assignments to complete but in all seriousness, I am really not that busy…yet at least.  I don’t think life is ever not busy, so I’m doing my best to avoid answering this question with the word busy.  I am also attempting to avoid answering the question with fine, good, ok, etc.  Sure these are the typical answers we give to those questions usually out of convenience or we don’t feel like talking about it or even because we aren’t sure if the other person truly cares about the real answer to that question.  I have found it difficult to teach myself to answer this question differently.  I often have to pause and think for a moment what I want to say.  I saw this quote recently and I feel it fits in perfectly with my thoughts…

In all seriousness we may be fine, but most likely we are scared.  We are scared to let people in, we are afraid a real answer may inconvenience someone else, we fear if we are fully known, we are more likely to be rejected.  But the truth is to be fully loved, you have to be fully known.  I am not in any way advocating you should go around and respond to anyone who asks this question with a deep real answer.  That would be awkward.  Obviously there is a time and a place, but sometimes you have to be willing to take a risk with people who do care.  

So how is school really going???  

In some ways school has been easier and in some ways it has been harder than I expected.  Academically, I don’t feel like the work has been too bad.  I expected harder work to be honest but I’m so thankful it is what it is considering all of the other stuff going on.  Being a student has been a major adjustment for me as I was used to working every day and seeing people.  Now, I only have class twice a week and the rest of the time is unstructured for me to figure out how to use it best.  Being home alone reading and doing homework is not the most exciting way to use my time.  Studying to become a therapist is emotionally draining.  You can’t take a client further than you have been yourself.  Thus, we are constantly engaging in self-reflection.  Some classes are great and other classes I leave feeling a lot of emotion and trying to sort through my own reactions.  But I wouldn’t trade this experience for anything.  Every day I am forced to become a better person simply because of my desire to know myself well enough so that I am equipped to the best of my ability to help others by providing therapy to them.  There is not a doubt in my mind that God has called me to this field and all of my experiences have led me to this place.  

Sure, moving to California for school and not knowing anyone has been tough especially considering all my classmates are from California.  In a weird way, I found the transition to living in Australia much easier.  There are a lot of things that I can’t talk about because they just don’t understand.  Like how awful winter is and how silly I find it when people complain about the weather here (66 and cloudy is not “really” cold).  I am thankful for my Midwestern roots.  Or how locals don’t understand how I got anywhere when I say I rarely drove on the highway (they say freeway) before moving here.  Above all, God is in control and I fully trust that he will continue to provide for all my needs as I am on the path towards becoming a licensed therapist. 

Thanks for reading :)  Please let me know if there is a topic you'd like me to write about!